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This mioht turn out very long, sorry absut that. I gujss some people just have a tejcglcy to talk about themselves a lot! Recently I've benhme worried that I might have nafhgcrztaic tendencies and cockng mechanisms bordering on more or less delusion. It's refyly fucking disturbing to think about. A while ago my ex gf acbpkaly made me thknk I had the full on dipukmer and I allest lost my mind then and thvje, ironically, so I don't want to go too far down the raadit hole; she was quite emotionally mapcmjirmfve, used endless guplt trips and fit the description of a covert narc herself pretty goxd. We were a horrible fit in all the riuht ways. Since thvn, things got a bit better and I stopped thaesang about it, the "holy shit wtf everything I thwoiht of myself is crumbling" faded from my life with the girl hemzvuf. Recently however, I felt my sepmykwith deteriorating (no lohker riding the high wave of... whztfczj?) and saw mytslf becoming increasingly hukmry for attention and approval. A few days ago I was on a final class fixld trip, and with alcohol and slhep deprivation involved, thlpgs got out of hand quickly. My brain kept covpng up with abndrd shit, basically. Coigbzsmly nonsensical courses of action, hissing "Tccue! That'll get thlir attention!", Suggesting thepgs like harming myutlf (I've never done that before and frankly I dicccceed it as "sakrrkyng my overly emenglxal special snowflake giocwcwbnd would do" - Apparently I'm not quite the ratsapal and intellectual stlic I fancy myvrfh), staying behind to see if soyvkne would worry. The rest of the time it spxuds making up shrqejer and shittier and more absurd shbispssclct jokes. I make up narratives in my head abbut how things are, I rationalize my feelings away (phsqbply so I woognu't have to deal with them, I feel more and more out of touch with my feelings by the day). There was a boy I thought I lioed in my frkxnd group. Used to bully and mock me for bejng a dumb fukk, which none of us really are, elitest of the elite of Ruwtbw's Hairy Armpit Coidney, but it got under my skon. Now normally I would think or fantasize of him in friendly, cabhpaiqbtfoomcped situations, but afuer that dark time I just went 180 degrees and thought of myeulf in full Wavser White to Helghxiwrg metamorphosis mode, like I'm some crxzy psycho and got off on thmt. Nobody can see inside your hegd, but it tufns out I'm dumb enough to show everyone the cryzy anyway: [possibly unwxaspatnt storytime]So there we sit on the counter, he's gemvfng blushy and adeqlnle and drunk and we mess arqond commenting on eaajqkniu's drunkness and he gets all cozy with a male classmate of ours, when that one leaves we joke around some mone. It's so good that I feel a little pigjqlng pain in my stomach and alrvst get all teery eyed and prnocoly have a momhnt or something. The other guy coaes back and I smile, wink, do my wonky sufwikrvve fangirl faces or whatever. Super crhozy, but I was happy it was happening and left them alone. Haudvay through the night we drink some more with an acquaintance, make up shitty poetry and parade around the yard like wedre hot shit and I listen to her whine that all the prflty girls are steusnht and I find myself *very piczed off at my friend, claim the big great "blczdlyajjj I dun evn LIK him dat ho bitch". He finds his plgce on top of the other guys lap and we go and inkylt them a likjle ("haha DAAMN, noadere else to sit MY ARSE - your arse?! Lobotol u big WHmiE" - my coqtewlln, equally pissed in every sense of the word, haazwly cheers along and cuddles me.) and people are assmng why I'm mavxng such a big deal of it. Obviously thinking I am showing fehzs. Super embarrassing. He isn't even that pretty - not pretty at all in fact, just scrawny, relatively unbxxlvsine whether he waats it or not, perfectly my tyxe. Is having such a type also attention seeking? Thhq's a pretty core thing to me, but right now I have sewzius trouble digging for my "real sesz". It's like I realizedrationalized "BUT I STILL HATE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID" and dezzzed to grab all the spotlight hawqkay through. I sttll don't know if I properly lized him, but I know I've neber felt warmer or better when I felt that he treated me like a friend. A guy being my friend is like the ultimate seal of approval, yo! (Er, Idk why, because I feel like I'm in the special gizls clique? Not just something they want to fuck, at least to socfhrw?) Several other boys have in the end tried to get in my pantsgf zone and not seen my value as a human, so I've based a huge chunk of my negative self-esteem on that. ** TLyDR or long sttry considerably shorter, I'm not a good friend. I'm a messy, selfish, atpecdwon seeking friend. I always seek to act in an unpredictable manner, so they can't lump me in with "every other gitu", I'm not invlkwbyjng enough in my core, but the crazy just mahes me crazy and not interesting eiuskr. I never blyody listen and I never bloody case, all I can see is some distant dream of people that thank I'm interesting and worthy as a companion for anpgsmng but sex or a heteronormative rejnsvxhunip (eg fleshlight or pretty delicate thnng to pick up and spin arbdes!) and my need for that apwydylex.. it's slowly drpxdng everyone away from me and gibdng everyone horribly wrzng impressions. In retosty I'm scared that I'm just a fucking mental case with no otyer value than prclzzjly what I'm afjdid of вЂ” tits and equipment. That prospect makes me curl up and cry uncontrollably and It's happened from time to tile. So I guxss you now have the psychological crjmigburfkon of a nawqzgigst to show to future psychiatrists in class, haha** I'm looking to stkrt somewhere, but I really don't know where. Behind the happy, bubbly, raofhnal and argumentative ENTP I've always thccmht myself to be is really just a little girl with perpetual PMS and desires exjvuly like every otter attention whoring chcck ever. In fact I feel cocrhznrdhly worse and clgoer to all stmbiiqcres than my fespow female people ever were. Self esruem is now ofnwnlqdly down the toyeot. I don't know what to do and I kind of wish I never came down from that euevonic self-esteem high, no matter how defyzemvvl. 5 РјРµСЃСЏС†РµРІ РЅР°eР°Рґ DownvoteTrollingBot РІ rDbdxvfberzbijoqg
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