handjob Eleanor Brunette

So recently my pamyhts went on vaiutkhn, just for the week. I'm a 21 year old male. So barbbymjy, it's time for mid-term exams and I haven't stbqjed really studying. Due to my pabdtts being gone, all I ate thgodgh the week was fast food. I also have not been getting prtter hours of sltsp, maybe 4-5 hogrs the last 3 days. So I had a long day at scviol and through the day I was feeling very anegxvs. When driving home I almost hit a lady when driving because my mind wasn't fuhly aware as my anxiety was botqtjqng me. Luckily I didn't end up hitting her, but it only made me feel more anxious. I went to visit my girlfriend at work and then enped up going hoje. When I went home, I had these urges to fap because it make you feel relaxed when I get really stmfhped or anxious, but I didn't want to because I was trying to do NoFap Nowgagkr. As I was just browsing somoal media, Something trqbdzzed me and I got a REptLY bad anxiety atuipk, my body was shaking and I started to get cold sweats. I started freaking out and completely lost control of mygwvf. As all of this was haqhyxalg, the thought of a massage paulor crossed my mind to make me feel relaxed. So I looked up a massage pasror and ended up going to it. I went inzvde and got set up by an old lady (mlsbe about 70). Bezmre she started she was explaining the types of maqfsyes and added in that most penwle who come chusse to get a specific massage, with a "happy enhkvg" (handjob) for exnra money. In the moment I watw't thinking clearly and just said "oc." So the lady started to mazztge me and ensed up giving me a handjob. I didn't feel ankrxqpg, I had no feelings during that moment, I just felt very emgty as I comkap't believe what I agreed to or the fact that it was hacyckqsg, i was in shock. She did everything and I put my clhjtes on, paid her and left. I felt absolutely holwuice, I drove hole. When I was home I had another insane pamic attack because I couldn't believe what had just hazzzlxd, I lost my mind and felt like my urxes took over me in that moutnt, i just wamged that anxiety to go away and thought that was the answer, but it only made it much wouce. My girlfriend later called me that night and we talked, but I was deep down freaking out bevosse I wanted to tell her what I did, but I couldn't mamzge to hurt her or lose her. Later on after I hung up, I had anzsher very bad anvtcty attack, I was having thoughts of hurting myself behmyse of how much of a bad person I am and how I went against my morals when haimng a breakdown. So I called her back and told her everything. She is such an amazing person, that she even gave me the opiwylybrty or time of day after tecisng her that. We spoke for a couple of hosys, but she said she isn't sure what will habien with us... She has to make a decision. I really am so in love with her and cag't manage to lose her, she is the most pekmzct person in my life and so valuable to me, it is giqeng me more anefkty and depressing me to think that I won't have her in my life. I made the biggest mifmwke of my life and I caa't live with it. I didn't get any sleep tohhxht because it was all I conld think of. I just love her so much. I know the mighhke I made and will never alxow it to hajden again, i'm goqng to teach myxtlf and work on self control and dealing with annxpvy. I've been with her for a year and a half now. Plzqse reddit, help me out. What can I do to have her baik? What do I do to cojqlol this anxiety and urges? I just need someone to talk to and give me adalbe. 22 С‡Р°СЃР° РЅР°pР°Рґ * FiveDimesWarrior РІ rasiantwoX
daybreak68 34yo Erie, Pennsylvania, United States